Joy

Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength. - Nehemiah 8:10

What does it mean to have the joy of the Lord? I know that God's revelation of His joy in and to us and its outpouring will never cease, even for all of eternity, but from what I have experienced thus far in my relationship with Him, I've discovered that true joy of the Lord comes from...

1) Living in continual wonder, amazement, and awe of God - there is nothing that fills me up with joy quite like meditating on everything God is. Not even what He has done, although that alone is completely awe-inspiring...but just who He is, which is even more so. We see God's face and shout for joy! (Job 33:26). And because He is infinite - because we will spend all of eternity getting to know Him, never reaching the end - we will never cease to be in awe of Him!

2) Worship - of course this goes along with the first point, because being in awe of God is what inspires and drives our worship. Magnifying God, exalting Him above all completely drowns out everything else and overwhelms me with joy. And I'm not talking about mere happy thoughts or fuzzy feelings. I mean the joy that words can't even describe (though I still try!) - joy that so consumes you as to bring you to your knees, joy that literally breathes life into your soul, joy so real and so tangible that it grips your entire being and sets you ablaze. Soaking in His Presence (fullness of joy! Ps. 16:11), worshiping Him in the splendor of His holiness (Ps. 29:2, Ps. 96:9), feasting on His Word (Jer. 15:16), delighting ourselves in Him (Ps. 37:4; Is. 61:10) - inexpressible and glorious joy (1 Peter 1:8)...indescribable, unspeakable, unshakable joy is found here and only here.

3) Understanding that the joy of the Lord is unconditional and everlasting as God has promised us (Is. 35:10; 61:7). It is not at all contingent upon or tied to circumstances. It cannot be found in anything in this world; it is entirely separate. Nothing of the flesh will ever give us true joy. Happiness, maybe (and even then, if it's of the flesh it's only temporary). But joy is not the equivalent of happiness. Joy is supernatural! It is a fruit of God's Holy Spirit! Joy comes from God alone and is entirely dependent on who He is, and because He never changes, because He is always and eternally the same no matter what goes on in our lives, the joy that is found in Him and that He gives us in Christ cannot be taken away. He Himself is joy, and He gives Himself fully to us. We need only to remain in Him and we will be continually immersed in joy! What a priceless gift!

I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. - John 15: 11

So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. - John 16:22

We might be going through incredibly hard times in life, and Jesus actually promised us that in this world we will have trouble (Jn. 16:33). But He has overcome! And He has promised to return to us, at which time we will know nothing but joy. But the amazing thing is that we can experience that joy right here and now! God has given us His Holy Spirit that we may live in His Presence - fullness of joy. As A.W. Tozer says so eloquently: Joy is not the absence of suffering, but the presence of God. This is why we must continually seek out His Presence and  surrender to His Holy Spirit who lives in us. The bottom line is that nothing or no one in this world can steal the joy we have in the Lord. If we feel it slipping away, it's because we have allowed the cares of the world to overtake us to the point where we lose sight of Him. So in spite of anything and everything else we need to fix our minds, our hearts, our everything on Him at all times, because He IS joy. His joy is our strength. And He is always with us.

Yet I will rejoice in the LORD; I will be joyful in God my Savior. - Habakkuk 3:18

The joy of the Lord is also contagious - it's impossible to contain it! When we are living in His Presence and in that place of pure worship unto Him, His joy will absolutely overflow in our lives by the power of His Holy Spirit and it will spread like wildfire to those around us. I don't know about you but I need His joy to be my strength, my passion, my life, today and every day!

You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever! - Psalm 30:11-12

Lord, because you have clothed me with joy my heart cannot help but sing to You! I will sing of Your love forever!

Here is one of many songs of worship that ushers me right into the joy of God's Presence - I praise Him for who He is! He is LOVE. :)

Whom have I believed?

I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day. - 2 Timothy 1:12

God has really been speaking to me through this verse over the past several days. Coming from someone who normally struggles to let go of worries and burdens of various kinds, there is such peace and freedom in knowing with confidence that God guards what we entrust to Him! And once we release something into His care, whatever it is, true to His word He will protect it and take better care of it than we ever could. And we can rest in Him (Matt. 11:28). That is His will for us! He never intends for us to bear our own burdens but that we surrender them continually to Him. After all, He bore them for us on the cross - they are His.

It's definitely taken me awhile to see that I haven't been giving God enough credit in this area. I have an overwhelming tendency to allow pressures to build up on me and then, out of a sense of guilt and/or responsibility, try to take them on myself, rather than releasing them consistently to God. I guess it comes down to this need I have to feel like I'm in control (apparently even when it makes me miserable), and I get scared when I realize I'm not. For most of my life I've prided myself on that sense of being in control and on my self-sufficiency, but in my relationship with God I know that surrendering complete control of everything to Him is the only way. Then, and only then will I truly experience the power of the Spirit-led life...Jesus Himself living through me. I love that God has been speaking to me so clearly about this and my need to trust Him more, and not just in theory but in action, by deliberately casting my cares on Him and leaving them at the foot of the cross. He longs to be that place of total liberation for me, with nothing weighing me down. And I long to give everything over to Him and allow Him to have His way. In His hands everything is safe and I can rest knowing that He is in control. And that He is faithful.

I think if I got a glimpse of just who it is that has my back...the magnitude of the One I'm trusting in...I'd say my Almighty God deserves all of the trust I can give Him and then some! And I'm sure I'd be unspeakably grateful that it's Him who is in control and not me in any way, shape, or form.

I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed...

Humble me, Lord, in Your sight. You are so much greater, so far beyond me in every way. Thank You for being my burden-bearer, my resting place, my freedom.

Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall. - Psalm 55:22

Cast all your anxiety on him, because he cares for you. - 1 Peter 5:7

Praise be to the LORD, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens. - Psalm 68:19

Your Name

Rediscovering an old favorite and falling in love...oh how sweet is the name of Jesus!

From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets, the name of the LORD is to be praised. - Psalm 113:3

The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe. - Proverbs 18:10

Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to men by which we must be saved. - Acts 4:12

Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. - Philippians 2:9-11

Lord, give us strength to live for You

And glorify Your Name

The More!

Just having one of those days where I can't stop praising and rejoicing in God! Of course this is how it should be every day in my walk with Him, but there is something about today. :) I can't take my eyes off of Him, can't stop thinking about Him. Can't keep quiet! Basking in the wonder and awe of who He is. Breathing Him in. Overwhelmed in the best possible way. Excited and so, so in love, more and more all the time! My prayer is that the whole world would experience this true joy and freedom in Christ and this love that surpasses knowledge and is absolutely beyond compare! Life with God is amazing and an incredible adventure! I wouldn't change a thing. :) Keep it coming, Lord, I'm all in with You!

I met you like a little child
Wide-eyed and mystified 
That You could love even me
So I'm here to testify 
It's been an amazing ride with You
And I have never walked alone
I want to give You every moment, every minute
It takes a lifetime to know You, to know You


And the more You show me, the more You grow me
The more Your glory becomes all there is
And the more I know You, the more I need You
The more I love You, the more You become to me


Fast-forward to the golden years
A smaller pride and a bigger fear
But still, no way are we done yet
I pray that You would keep me mystified
In every way that I would still abide in You
Till You come to take me home
I want to give You every moment, every minute
I'll take a lifetime to know You, to know You


I want to give You every moment, every minute
I'll take a lifetime to know You, Lord
Keep me, draw me closer every moment I'm alive

Holy

I don't have any words to describe this...so I'll just say:

Read/meditate on the scripture passage
Play the song & worship your heart out

He will take you there.

After this I looked, and there before me was a door standing open in heaven. And the voice I had first heard speaking to me like a trumpet said, "Come up here, and I will show you what must take place after this." 2 At once I was in the Spirit, and there before me was a throne in heaven with someone sitting on it. 3 And the one who sat there had the appearance of jasper and carnelian. A rainbow, representing an emerald, encircled the throne. 4 Surrounding the throne were twenty-four other thrones, and seated on them were twenty-four elders. They were dressed in white and had crowns of gold on their heads. 5 From the throne came flashes of lightning, rumblings and peals of thunder. Before the throne, seven lamps were blazing. These are the seven spirits of God. 6 Also before the throne there was what looked like a sea of glass, clear as crystal.
In the center, around the throne, were four living creatures, and they were covered with eyes, in front and in back. 7 The first living creature was like a lion, the second was like an ox, the third had a face like a man, the fourth was like a flying eagle. 8 Each of the four living creatures had six wings and was covered with eyes all around, even under his wings. Day and night they never stop saying:
"Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty, who was, and is, and is to come."
9 Whenever the living creatures give glory, honor and thanks to him who sits on the throne and who lives for ever and ever, 10 the twenty-four elders fall down before him who sits on the throne, and worship him who lives for ever and ever. They lay their crowns before the throne and say:
11 "You are worthy, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they were created and have their being."

--Revelation 4

And only one word comes to mind...there's only one word to describe...

Till I See You

Today I'm sharing a blog post that my pastor wrote about the rapture supposedly happening tomorrow, because I think he hits the nail on the head! You should definitely check it out!

Is The Rapture Coming This Saturday?

Even though I have my doubts about tomorrow being the rapture, it's always good to be reminded that Christ could be returning at any time. Sometimes it's so easy to get caught up in trivial day to day stuff that we lose our Kingdom focus and perspective! As believers we really need to be living every day in expectation of His return. We always need to be prepared! Since none of us knows the day or the hour (Matt. 24:36), for all we know it really could be tomorrow! Or the next day. Or a few weeks from now. In any case, are we living our lives fully for God each day? Are we recognizing that each day is a gift from Him not to be wasted? The present day/time is our only guarantee; in a heartbeat everything could change. So are we in sync with God's plans and His heart, and are we diligently seeking Him in the here and now? Are we sharing Christ with everyone who needs Him while we still can? All of these are convicting thoughts for me. One thing I do know is that when Jesus returns I don't want to be caught off guard. With all my being I want to be prepared to see Him face to face and to be able to say that I've given Him the very best of me, put Him first in all things and truly lived a life worthy of Him, pleasing Him every way (Col. 1:10). Of course in my heart I long to be with Him and can't wait for the day...but does the way I live my life truly reflect that?

Lord, open our eyes. Prepare our hearts for Your return. Because we do not know the day nor the hour, I pray that the way we live our lives every single day would anticipate the arrival of Your kingdom, and may we just overflow with excitement that You ARE coming soon! Let nothing hold us back, distract us or hinder us. Let us not be foolish but let us understand Your will (Eph. 5:17). You are all that matters. We eagerly await the day You come in glory to take us home to be with You forever.

Till I see you face to face

And grace amazing takes me home

I'll trust in You

I will live to love You

I will live to bring You praise

I will live a child in awe of You

Light Will Shine

I have come into the world as a light, so that no one who believes in me should stay in darkness. - John 12:46

A Call to Anguish

I have been running across this video over and over again...what an eye-opener. Lord, break our hearts.

I Refuse

Have you ever had one of those major light bulb moments with God? A moment when He completely and totally opens your eyes to something and all of a sudden you see so clearly? In one glorious, shining moment it all makes sense. What once appeared to be a jumbled mess or was just altogether hazy is now staring you plainly in the face and you can see how all of the pieces of the puzzle fit together so perfectly. God breaks through the haze and in a monstrous wave illuminates His plan, His vision, His intentions, His heart.

This happened to me yesterday. And I’m just so amazed that I’m nearly speechless. Mostly I can’t believe I have been this blind for this long. God has been speaking to me regarding a very specific issue for a long time now, and even though I must have known it deep down and had been picking up on the hints, I was somehow unwilling or unable to grab hold of what exactly He was trying to show me all that time. Though I had bits and pieces I couldn’t see the whole picture He was painting. Must have been all the excuses I was making that were fogging up my vision and preventing me from seeing clearly. Or maybe it was denial, or complacency. But I am so thankful that God did not let it go. He would not leave me alone. No matter how I couldn’t or wouldn’t listen for all of that time, He kept on nudging me and convicting me in that gentle way that He does until one day He just has to shout it out to me. Though I wasn’t getting it at all, He wouldn’t give up on me. In His unlimited patience, He was just waiting for me to lay hold of what He was speaking to me. And now I have.

This is a moment not to be forgotten, a moment when I feel like I finally see what it is God has been calling me to. And though it’s hard for me to admit and though I probably didn’t realize it consciously, in this particular situation I had been waiting around for someone else to do what God had been placing on my heart to do, waiting for someone or something else to come through. It made more sense to me that it’d be someone else, so I was just waiting. Though I was consistently prayerful about it, it wasn’t all that urgent to me to take any kind of action beyond that. I had all kinds of excuses of why it just couldn’t be me, even though deep down I knew that God had been placing it on my heart so much for a reason. And the totally deceptive thing is that from a worldly perspective, my excuses made total sense. And being in the world, it’s so easy to get caught up in the world’s standards and expectations and to play by its rules. But sometimes I completely forget that this is God we’re dealing with here. Almighty God. And excuses don’t fly with Him. If He calls you to do something, if He places something on your heart, you’d best listen to Him and heed His call! He is calling YOU. Not someone else, but YOU. There is a reason that other people weren’t doing anything about it or couldn’t see what you see, because it’s YOU He wants to use. He has opened YOUR eyes and has given YOU the insight. It has been His plan all along. And nothing in the world can stand in the way of God’s plans and purposes. The very gates of Hell will not prevail against His church, His body (Matt. 16:18). So if He calls you out, He will make a way when it seems like there is none. He doesn’t send out His workers into His harvest field with nothing. He will equip you, He will provide everything you need to do what He has called you to do, and most importantly He Himself will go with you. No weapon forged against you will prevail! (Isa. 54:17) But the first step in faith is always yours.

So, yes, what God is calling me to do right now seems out there from a worldly perspective. And I’m sure I’ll encounter all kinds of opposition in that form. But who was I to think for even a second that following the call of God on my life would be easy, or comfortable, or free of obstacles? In fact, if we’re starting to feel comfortable in our walk with the Lord we need to search ourselves and question if we’re really following Him. It should be a huge red flag. The reality is that denying ourselves, taking up our cross and following Christ isn’t exactly for those who are slaves to their comfort zones. No, it’s radical. It’s always been radical, because Jesus is radical. Not only that, but it’s messy, it’s risky, it’s bold, it’s even dangerous at times. We’re stepping directly into a battle zone, we have targets on our backs; it’s anything but neat and pretty. And yet so often that’s the trap I feel like I’m stuck in, and the major misconception about Christianity in general in today’s world. We want to believe that we can somehow have one foot in each world, that there is some kind of middle ground of compromise, that we can call ourselves followers of Christ and still blend in and be comfortable in the world. That is called divided loyalty, and I am no stranger to it. No, folks, living for Jesus Christ and being His disciple is not for the indecisive, half-hearted or weak-willed. Ultimately it means giving up everything we have (Luke 14:33). He means business. He has called us out to do what He was doing and do even greater things (Jn. 14:12). How insane is that?! We go against the grind. We don’t conform to the patterns of this world (Rom. 12:2). We are His hands and His feet. And we need to quit living to please the world and start understanding that we are called to be set apart, to be different, to live radically for a far greater purpose. We need to know who we are.

For me, if something seems too risky or if I don’t think the world will understand it, I always find some excuse to remain in my comfort zone. But enough! If I want to see God’s power at work, if I truly want Him to use me, if I want to be a part of His advancing kingdom, I’ve got to take these risks. So what, the world might think I’m a little crazy. I already know that I am, and I don’t care. Right now I’m feeling more than a bit radical and fiery for Jesus and I’m loving it. I feel more alive in Him than ever before. God has lit a fire in me anew to go out into the place He is calling me and He has given me such a clear vision. What more do I need? So no more waiting, no more excuses. There isn’t time to waste when lives are on the line, lives that are precious to God. It’s got to be now! And I have the King of kings and the Lord of lords leading the way, the One who holds all things in His hands and who will make my paths straight as I acknowledge Him. He will not fail me. It’s all Him; I’m simply a willing vessel yielded in His Hand. I am willing to go and to carry His Love and His light into the darkest of places. Is it scary? Yes. Incredibly. Am I uncomfortable? Entirely. This is so not me right now. And don’t get me wrong, a part of me is still listening to the excuses swimming around in my head regarding the logistics of it all and saying, “really God, really?” “YES,” He says. “Really. Trust Me. I have chosen you and I will be with you.” And more than it’s scary right now it’s liberating, because I am beginning to see God work on a whole new level. I am finally getting a glimpse of what it looks like to be a disciple of Christ. And in complete awe of God and how amazing He is all I want to do is worship.

Satan, I am on to you. Your time is up. You think you’re so clever, and you may fool a lot of people but you don’t fool me. You came to steal, kill, and destroy, but Jesus came that we may have life and have it to the full. And guess who wins? In the Name of Jesus you are defeated, you are powerless. In fact, I suggest you get lost before things get really ugly. You heard it here: I’m coming after you, and I come with the power and authority of Jesus Christ. Translation: you’re finished.

Come on, Lord, let’s DO this! There is POWER in the Name of Jesus, and it’s His Name that I claim! Now I GO. (Expect updates with awesome testimonies of what God is doing in the near future :)

All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go... - Matthew 28:18-19

I saw Satan fall like lightning from Heaven. I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you. – Luke 10:18-19

Now have come the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God, and the authority of his Christ. For the accuser of our brothers, who accuses them before our God day and night, has been hurled down. They overcame him by the blood of the lamb and by the word of their testimony... - Revelation 12:10-11

Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do. You believe there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that - and shudder. - James 2:18-19

I don't want to live like I don't care

I don't want to say another empty prayer

Oh I refuse to sit around and wait for someone else

To do what God has called me to do myself

Oh I could choose not to move

But I refuse

You'll Come

It's the National Day of Prayer and I'm getting ready for a night of prayer and worship in Minneapolis, MN with thousands of believers from all generations! Filled with expectation of all that God is going to do in our hearts tonight. He is definitely on the move! Praying that we are open to hear what He has to say to us and the work He wants to do in us. God I pray that we would not leave the same! That each day we are being conformed more and more to Your likeness (2 Cor. 3:18) and drawing ever closer to You. I have had it pressing upon me for the past couple of weeks the urgency of the times we live in and just really sensing the call on our generation to step out and step up in seeking the Lord and ushering in His kingdom! Particularly that we all have a unique role to play and how important it is that we are seeking Him for wisdom and direction, both as individuals and as the body of Christ. Lord we stand united! As we come together to pray and worship You tonight in these critical times (and oh that we may understand just how critical they are), let it not be just another time of singing songs, but let us truly press in to have a life-changing encounter with the living God. Shake us out of our complacency, Lord, and our love for the things of the world over the things of You. Come and take Your place at the center of our hearts! Consume every part of us! Let us hunger and thirst after Your righteousness. As we lift up Your Name above all else, touch our hearts and the deepest places within us that we may see You more clearly and have a clearer understanding of Your will for our lives. Holy Spirit, empower each person to live out the unique calling on his or her life and anoint them to do the works You have prepared in advance for them to do! I am absolutely amazed by You and how You work in and through each of us and how all things work together according to Your purpose. I just pray that we would all be entirely surrendered to You so that Your will may be done above all else, that we may truly lay hold of Your advancing kindgom (Matt. 11:12) and boldly preach in Your Name! (Acts 28:31).

Jesus, You are alive and You are coming soon. Your kingdom is near. And we have a mission to complete, that You have set before us. Let nothing hinder or distract us from the only thing that really matters, now and for eternity. Give us Your heart for all the world. Increase in us as we decrease. Let us not become weary in doing good, but may we always give ourselves fully to You. We stand firmly rooted and built up in You, holding out the confidence we had at first until the very end, eagerly awaiting and anticipating Your return. May the cry of our hearts and our deepest desire always be for Your glory.

The end of all things is near. Therefore be clear-minded and self-controlled so that you can pray. - 1 Peter 4:7

For in just a very short while, He who is coming will come and will not delay. - Hebrews 10:37

Stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain. - 1 Corinthians 15:58

I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God; I will see him with my own eyes - I, and not another. How my heart yearns within me! - Job 19:25-27

Let us acknowledge the LORD; let us press on to acknowledge Him. As surely as the sun rises He will appear; he will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth. - Hosea 6:3

Come, Lord. This is the song of our every day!

Chains be broken

Lives be healed

Eyes be opened

Christ is revealed!

Aftermath

The following excerpt is from my Bible study today. Easter may have come and gone, but I find that there is no getting over the cross. There is no overlooking or forgetting the ultimate price that has been paid for our freedom and redemption. It is here that we first see and encounter the Father's great love for us - the width, length, height and depth of which we can hardly even begin to comprehend (Eph. 3:17-18). And we will never fully know what it cost. All I can do is marvel at the amazing grace in which I stand, knowing that even on my best, most "spiritual" days I remain entirely unworthy to approach God in His holiness and that the very first sin I committed, however big or small, nailed my perfect and spotless Savior to the cross. Jesus lived the life I could never live and in my place died the death I deserved to die. Now He is alive, living to intercede for me until the day of His return, and through Him I have unhindered access to God for all of eternity. My head is spinning and my heart is overwhelmed!

So read this slowly, meditate on it and let the weight of it sink in and grip your soul. Thank Him, praise Him, worship Him with all you are and all you have, because He gave it all for you. He gives His all to you, no conditions, no strings attached. He delights in you (Zeph. 3:17). You were the joy set before Him to endure the cross (Heb. 12:2). Now you are forgiven and you are free, not because of anything you've done or could ever do, but just because of who He is.

Never forget.
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But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. - Romans 5:8

In the depths of our depravity Christ died for us. He did not wait for persons to get as close as possible through obedience to the law and righteous living. Not once did He proclaim to His Father: "Close enough! This one made it!" In the breadth of our separation from God, Christ died for us. He died for people who yelled, "Crucify Him!" He died for those who ripped His flesh with whips. He died for those who slapped Him and spit on Him, for those who mocked Him, embedding a crown of thorns in His brow. He died for those who humiliated Him by stripping away His garments. He died for the soldier who pounded the nails into His flesh. He died for the one who gave Him vinegar to drink. He died for the 11 who ran for their lives. In the moment in all of history when humanity could not have been further from God, Christ died for us.

Christ died not just for the depths of that generation's depravity: "My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message" (John 17:20). He who knew all things died in advance for the most depraved deed I would ever commit. Although I was not present in that crowd that dreadful day, my sins most assuredly were.

So horrendous were the sins that hung on Christ that day, His Father was forced to look away. His Holiness had to forsake His own Son so that through His sacrifice Christ could intercede on our behalf. Jesus experienced the excruciating pain of being forsaken by God so that we might not have to. And because He did, "we have peace with God" (Romans 5:1).

A time surely comes, in the innermost places of our hearts, when we secretly wonder: Could I have been good enough for Christ to avoid the cross? If I could do it all again, knowing all I know now, could I live an unstained life?

But Isaiah 64:6 says: "All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away."

Even at our best, our salvation rests only on God's great mercy.

From A Woman's Heart: God's Dwelling Place (Beth Moore)
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The skies lay low where You are
On the earth You rest Your feet
Yet the hands that cradle the stars
Are the hands that bled for me

In a moment of glorious surrender
You were broken for all the world to see
Lifted out of the ashes
I am found in the aftermath

Freedom found in Your scars
In Your grace my life redeemed
For You chose to take the sinner's crown
As You placed Your crown on me

And in that moment of glorious surrender
Was the moment You broke the chains in me
Lifted out of the ashes
I am found in the aftermath

And in that moment You opened up the heavens
To the broken, the beggar and the thief
Lifted out of the wreckage
I find hope in the aftermath

And I know You're with me
Yes I know You're with me here
And I know Your love will light the way

Now all I have, I count it all as loss
But to know You, and carry the cross
Knowing I'm found in the light of the aftermath

Desperate

Several weeks ago I prayed a new and bold prayer to God: I prayed that He would do whatever necessary in my life to make me more desperate for Him, to make me even more aware of the depth of my need for Him. As I have been learning, it's one thing to want that kind of intimacy with God, or to just entertain the idea, imagining how it might be a nice add-on to your life...but it's another when you absolutely need it in order to survive, when you know you can't go on even another moment without His strength, when His love is literally the air you breathe and His life is your life. Now I wasn't necessarily feeling complacent in my relationship with Him before now; the past year of growing in and walking with Him has been nothing short of amazing and wonderful in so many ways. But I knew that God was calling me out and to an even deeper level with Him and that it was time to step out of the boat, so to speak. Time to abandon fears, doubts, and insecurities and walk boldly after Him. Time to abandon my place on the sidelines and become an active participant in the advancing of His kingdom. He had been giving me the direction and the exact next steps to take and, though I had my excuses, it became a simple matter of obedience. So, I finally said yes to God. I could not possibly hold back any longer when He had been filling me to overflowing for the purpose of pouring back out. I prayed the prayer of total devotion, of boldness to go forth in full reliance on Him, of greater intimacy with Him at whatever cost to me (as He paid the ultimate price for that intimacy).

Now how many people know that God loves to answer those kinds of prayers? I can tell you without a doubt that He does. Pretty sure they are His favorite. I can also tell you that when He does, it's never what or how we were expecting. I find that God likes to operate outside of the little box I try so hard to keep Him in and defy all of my expectations. And that's what makes Him God.

So anyway, God definitely heard and answered my prayer. Or, at least, He has been allowing the circumstances which have brought me to that place of desperation for Him. As I have been stepping out (or beginning to step out) into places of greater leadership within the body of Christ at my church, as well as reaching out to those in my life who need to know the Lord, I have been dealing with some pretty intense warfare from some pretty intimate places. I've come to realize, and this is not the first time either, that when the enemy can't get to you through outside sources, he will use someone or something on the inside that you trust or have invested in to come at you and attempt to drag you down. Unfortunately, since this has been going on, I've been finding myself weighed down, distressed, nervous, and distracted. Praise God that I have an amazing support system of friends, family and mentors, people who are covering me in prayer and providing godly wisdom and counsel. I don't know where I'd be without them right now. But with all that said, I have been allowing these circumstances to affect me to the point where I have been unable to focus on or pursue what God has called me to. I have prayed and prayed for God to change them...I have prayed against this warfare, because I know it is not from Him and of course I am to persevere in prayer always. But somewhere along the way I began to lose hope. I began to turn to my own devices rather than stand firm in faith.

But recently it hit me. The most obvious thing ever, yet it's amazing how easily it can get lost in the whirlwind of testing and trials: God is here. He is right here with me, closer than I even know. And what really hit me is that I need Him now more than ever before. I am absolutely starving for Him. And, as much as they have been and continue to be trying for me, I have to think that He has been allowing these circumstances to bring me to that point of realization, just as I had prayed. It is so true that God will use any means necessary, whatever it takes, just to shake us out of our complacency and bring us closer to Him, because He knows that's where our very life is found and that is where we are made whole. As He has been speaking to me and showing me through this time, I am one who too often tries to shoulder my own burdens and the burdens of others and do everything in my own strength rather than relying on Him. I give more of myself for others than is reasonable or healthy for me. I take on worry and responsibility that's not mine to improve or fix things I'm unable to fix in the first place rather than casting it all on Him, resting in His sufficiency and ability and trusting in Him. And this is not His will for me. This is not what living in His freedom looks like. And I'm humbly realizing that I can't do this on my own, any of it. I can't do it any longer. I am at the end of me, at my breaking point. I will drown if I do not reach out to Him for help. As hard as it seems I know that the time is now, it is here to seek Him and listen for His voice. I need the wisdom that comes from heaven. I need supernatural strength. I need to experience the depths of His peace and the heights of His love. I just need more of Him. And this was and continues to be my prayer.

Amazingly enough (and this is where it gets good!), even through the pain of these trials, I am excited and overjoyed to find that He is drawing me even closer to Him and calling me into that secret place where I will find Him and know Him more. What He has been teaching me has opened my eyes to see that I wasn't really depending on Him. (I praise Him for that, because I was going nowhere fast on my own.) Though I acknowledged Him, I wasn't understanding just who He was and wanted to be to me and for me. And during worship this weekend at a conference I was both thrilled and relieved to rediscover that unspeakable, unshakeable joy I had been missing and had allowed to slip away in the midst of tough circumstances. His Presence was so tangible I was filled with awe and wonder and love. I danced, shouted, jumped, laugh, and sang at the top of my lungs to my God who is my hope. I was reminded that above all I am made to worship. I am called to be free. His will is that no one or nothing should ever steal my joy or keep me from Him. I never experience so much joy, peace, or freedom as when I am worshiping God with all I have, my heart and my mind entirely captivated by Him in His Presence. It's absolutely overwhelming. And with everything I have going on, that is my deepest most desperate need: consistent time with Him in worship, in prayer, soaking in His Presence, and listening for His voice that awakens my heart, refreshes my spirit and speaks life into my soul. This is where and how I'm meant to live. I will live in His freedom, reacting not to my circumstances but to His love for me. I am not defined or limited by my circumstances but I stand on my identity in Christ. I am a mighty woman of God, a warrior for His Kingdom, His beloved daughter. This is who I am. Covered by His grace, under His protection at all times, loved with an unfailing, everlasting, all-consuming Love. He will never leave me or forsake me, even in my greatest weakness. He calls me simply to come away with Him, to just be with Him, and there I will go time after time. Broken at His feet, worshiping and pouring out to Him, laying everything down before Him - in that complete and total place of vulnerability - I am set free. I find myself. I find my life. Is there anything more beautiful than this?

Lord, I'm desperate for you. I'm lost without You.

Empty words? Not anymore. I pray for ever deeper revelations in my heart at these words, Lord, and what it truly means to live in pure desperation for You. Thank You Jesus.