Desperate

Several weeks ago I prayed a new and bold prayer to God: I prayed that He would do whatever necessary in my life to make me more desperate for Him, to make me even more aware of the depth of my need for Him. As I have been learning, it's one thing to want that kind of intimacy with God, or to just entertain the idea, imagining how it might be a nice add-on to your life...but it's another when you absolutely need it in order to survive, when you know you can't go on even another moment without His strength, when His love is literally the air you breathe and His life is your life. Now I wasn't necessarily feeling complacent in my relationship with Him before now; the past year of growing in and walking with Him has been nothing short of amazing and wonderful in so many ways. But I knew that God was calling me out and to an even deeper level with Him and that it was time to step out of the boat, so to speak. Time to abandon fears, doubts, and insecurities and walk boldly after Him. Time to abandon my place on the sidelines and become an active participant in the advancing of His kingdom. He had been giving me the direction and the exact next steps to take and, though I had my excuses, it became a simple matter of obedience. So, I finally said yes to God. I could not possibly hold back any longer when He had been filling me to overflowing for the purpose of pouring back out. I prayed the prayer of total devotion, of boldness to go forth in full reliance on Him, of greater intimacy with Him at whatever cost to me (as He paid the ultimate price for that intimacy).

Now how many people know that God loves to answer those kinds of prayers? I can tell you without a doubt that He does. Pretty sure they are His favorite. I can also tell you that when He does, it's never what or how we were expecting. I find that God likes to operate outside of the little box I try so hard to keep Him in and defy all of my expectations. And that's what makes Him God.

So anyway, God definitely heard and answered my prayer. Or, at least, He has been allowing the circumstances which have brought me to that place of desperation for Him. As I have been stepping out (or beginning to step out) into places of greater leadership within the body of Christ at my church, as well as reaching out to those in my life who need to know the Lord, I have been dealing with some pretty intense warfare from some pretty intimate places. I've come to realize, and this is not the first time either, that when the enemy can't get to you through outside sources, he will use someone or something on the inside that you trust or have invested in to come at you and attempt to drag you down. Unfortunately, since this has been going on, I've been finding myself weighed down, distressed, nervous, and distracted. Praise God that I have an amazing support system of friends, family and mentors, people who are covering me in prayer and providing godly wisdom and counsel. I don't know where I'd be without them right now. But with all that said, I have been allowing these circumstances to affect me to the point where I have been unable to focus on or pursue what God has called me to. I have prayed and prayed for God to change them...I have prayed against this warfare, because I know it is not from Him and of course I am to persevere in prayer always. But somewhere along the way I began to lose hope. I began to turn to my own devices rather than stand firm in faith.

But recently it hit me. The most obvious thing ever, yet it's amazing how easily it can get lost in the whirlwind of testing and trials: God is here. He is right here with me, closer than I even know. And what really hit me is that I need Him now more than ever before. I am absolutely starving for Him. And, as much as they have been and continue to be trying for me, I have to think that He has been allowing these circumstances to bring me to that point of realization, just as I had prayed. It is so true that God will use any means necessary, whatever it takes, just to shake us out of our complacency and bring us closer to Him, because He knows that's where our very life is found and that is where we are made whole. As He has been speaking to me and showing me through this time, I am one who too often tries to shoulder my own burdens and the burdens of others and do everything in my own strength rather than relying on Him. I give more of myself for others than is reasonable or healthy for me. I take on worry and responsibility that's not mine to improve or fix things I'm unable to fix in the first place rather than casting it all on Him, resting in His sufficiency and ability and trusting in Him. And this is not His will for me. This is not what living in His freedom looks like. And I'm humbly realizing that I can't do this on my own, any of it. I can't do it any longer. I am at the end of me, at my breaking point. I will drown if I do not reach out to Him for help. As hard as it seems I know that the time is now, it is here to seek Him and listen for His voice. I need the wisdom that comes from heaven. I need supernatural strength. I need to experience the depths of His peace and the heights of His love. I just need more of Him. And this was and continues to be my prayer.

Amazingly enough (and this is where it gets good!), even through the pain of these trials, I am excited and overjoyed to find that He is drawing me even closer to Him and calling me into that secret place where I will find Him and know Him more. What He has been teaching me has opened my eyes to see that I wasn't really depending on Him. (I praise Him for that, because I was going nowhere fast on my own.) Though I acknowledged Him, I wasn't understanding just who He was and wanted to be to me and for me. And during worship this weekend at a conference I was both thrilled and relieved to rediscover that unspeakable, unshakeable joy I had been missing and had allowed to slip away in the midst of tough circumstances. His Presence was so tangible I was filled with awe and wonder and love. I danced, shouted, jumped, laugh, and sang at the top of my lungs to my God who is my hope. I was reminded that above all I am made to worship. I am called to be free. His will is that no one or nothing should ever steal my joy or keep me from Him. I never experience so much joy, peace, or freedom as when I am worshiping God with all I have, my heart and my mind entirely captivated by Him in His Presence. It's absolutely overwhelming. And with everything I have going on, that is my deepest most desperate need: consistent time with Him in worship, in prayer, soaking in His Presence, and listening for His voice that awakens my heart, refreshes my spirit and speaks life into my soul. This is where and how I'm meant to live. I will live in His freedom, reacting not to my circumstances but to His love for me. I am not defined or limited by my circumstances but I stand on my identity in Christ. I am a mighty woman of God, a warrior for His Kingdom, His beloved daughter. This is who I am. Covered by His grace, under His protection at all times, loved with an unfailing, everlasting, all-consuming Love. He will never leave me or forsake me, even in my greatest weakness. He calls me simply to come away with Him, to just be with Him, and there I will go time after time. Broken at His feet, worshiping and pouring out to Him, laying everything down before Him - in that complete and total place of vulnerability - I am set free. I find myself. I find my life. Is there anything more beautiful than this?

Lord, I'm desperate for you. I'm lost without You.

Empty words? Not anymore. I pray for ever deeper revelations in my heart at these words, Lord, and what it truly means to live in pure desperation for You. Thank You Jesus.